It hit me hard, right in my heart. One of my closest friends had literally shut me out of her life. The door to our beautiful friendship had been closed and I was left in a perpetual state of sadness and longing…
Longing for her to reply to my texts, calls and emails.
Longing for her forgiveness (even though I felt it was a mutual difference in opinion).
Longing to just talk-it-out and solve the problem.
But I was powerless.
This beautiful friend of mine who’s friendship I valued deeply, had her own way of dealing with things and it was the complete antithesis to the way I dealt with things.
And here’s where the overall characterisation of horoscopes (and personalities) comes into play.
Gemini (me) vs Virgo (her).
Gemini’s are governed by their need to communicate and Virgo’s like to have their emotional distance and require patience from others – not something Gemini’s are good at!
Surrendering…
Learning to surrender to the situation at hand was by no means an easy feat, especially when every cell in my body was crying out for resolution.
I found myself in a rich dichotomy of wishing we could sort out the issue, to standing in my power and blocking her (and the pain I was feeling) out.
But neither of these methods was working out for me, as the potential loss of our friendship was dawning upon me.
Then one day weeks later I received a message from her stating that she just “needed time and space” and that she would “contact me when feeling ready”, and all of a sudden there was hope.
In what seemed like a nano-second I was able to surrender fully as I saw some light amongst the darkness. The door that had been firmly shut was ever so slightly beginning to crack open, and I felt a glimmer of hope wash all over me.
I could surrender now as the one thing I wanted so badly (contact / communication) had been granted, mildly, but enough for me to give in and allow it to just play out…no matter what the end result was.
And play out it did.
We eventually talked, agreed, disagreed, cried, laughed and slowly began the delicate dance of rebuilding our friendship.
Roughly 8 months on now our friendship feels strong again and the fall out feels like a distant memory.
Dealing with friendships that fall out…
My story (gratefully) had a happy ending, but it doesn’t always work out this way unfortunately. And when it doesn’t it is very difficult to deal with.
Your besties (aka sisters) are your ‘kindred spirits’ and the bond is hard to replace.
The things you share, experience and talk about with a bestie fill you up in a way that no one else can. And this is why so many women crave this sisterhood.
We crave connection, first and foremost. Connection and a sense of belonging which are Universal feelings.
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If you’ve gone through or are going through a fall out with a friend, below are some helpful tips to help you deal with the situation:
1. Give each other space. Also known as the ‘cooling off’ period, this is important to let your anger/ hurt subside and look at the situation objectively. This could be anything from a couple of days to a full week, but anything longer than that and you risk further damage to the relationship.
2. Look at the situation from your friend’s point of view. This is a true marker of maturity. Tell your friend you want to understand where she’s coming from, and that you’d like to chat in person to work it out. If she’s not ready to do this, respect her need for space and give it some time before reaching out to her again.
3. Send her an email. Sometimes it can be easier to express yourself in writing than in person. Your thoughts are usually more linear and there’s no interruptions or emotions to get in the way. Make it known to her that you want to hear her side of the story and that her friendship means so much to you. Try making it light-hearted and poke fun at yourself or the situation rather than the issue itself. It’s ok to want to get your point of view across as well, but it’s always best to share your thoughts in person.
4. Practice forgiveness. Whether you betrayed or were betrayed by (or if it feels pretty mutual), practicing forgiveness is the key to moving forward. I talk about forgiveness in depth in the 48 page sample of my eBook Falling In Love Again. Head here to download your free copy if you haven’t already, and learn my strategies for forgiveness.
If for whatever reason the friendship isn’t able to recover, as hard as it is to come to terms with this, please take comfort in knowing this…
People and friendships will come in and out of your life like the ebb and flow of life itself. It’s normal to have disagreements and arguments with those who are closest to you, and sometimes these altercations will result in the end of a relationship. It’s natural and it happens to all of us.
Always ask yourself what you learnt from the situation and also what you taught.
Know that you are deserving of love and friendship and ‘kindred spirits’ multiple times throughout your life.
There’s a new sister and sisterhood awaiting you xx
OVER TO YOU:
Have you ever gone through a fall out with a friend? How did you deal with it? I’d love to hear your stories in the comments below and if you know of someone who might benefit from reading this, feel free to share it.
Liz, I’m so thrilled you had a happy ending and throughout the waiting period you were able to surrender. Beautiful and honest post thanks for sharing. I lost two friends last year due to differing opinions, and one of them in particular was so hard because it was so sudden and unexpected. It took months of energy healing, chats with my psychologist, and lots of other holistic therapies to get me through it. It’s been a year now and it honestly doesn’t hurt any more, but geez that was a big lesson! xx
Oh Kris, my heart goes out to you. It is so painful when a friendship ends or when you have a falling out. Good on you for taking control and using energy healing, a psychologist and other holistic therapies to get you through it. A big lesson indeed, and I’m so happy to know the hurt has left you xx
Something we all relate and I just love your words and feelings around this. xx Thank you so much for sharing. I felt such pain when a very very close friendship of mine ended…there was no conflict, hurt or bad feelings at all..it was a matter of our lives moving sadly, in different directions. I still think about her often but as she now lives overseas, the “distance” is even greater. I worked through a lot of this pain a while back now and realised that it was ok and it was actually “right” to let her go and our friendship to go. My memories were of times many many years ago and I realised I was holding onto how I remembered things to be, when we are both very different people now. It’s never easy when a close friendship ends…but if it’s not meant to be…finding closure and finding peace with that is so important xx
You’re so right Katie…finding closure and peace with it is so important. Thank you for your beautiful words and I’m so happy this post resonated with you, lovely xx
hey- i had to write here because people seem to think men don’t have close friendships and painful fall outs. We do 🙁 I can only find things on female posts. But the rules are similar to us all.
I have been feeling down about a male friendship for a while. I’m a guy too.
I’ve known him for 8 years. We met at a time when we were both going through a rough patch. He has some great traits in the friendship; however, he sometimes says things that make me feel quite down. We have been very close but there’s lots of aspects of the f’ship that I don’t like or make me feel down. I’ve been thinking of distancing myself for good. I will be very sad, but i don’t like the hurt he causes.
He will sometimes be insensitive and say things that I feel are a ‘one up manship’ on what I’ve done. If I say for e.g. I saved up hard and just about managed to book a holiday to Spain (I’m in Ireland btw)at a 3 star hotel he will then say ‘oh i will be going to brazil in a 5 star hotel and it’s great to go somewhere REALLY exotic and stay at a really nice hotel.’. or , i will talk about splitting with a girl friend and he will say during the conversation ‘I’m so glad I’m with a really trustworthy beautiful girlfriend and it’s nice to go out as a happy couple’. When i’ve confronted him he will simply say ‘i’m sorry you feel that way, but this is me!’ and that will be the end and he will carry on as normal and not attempt to talk it through. He has hurt me twice in a big way in the past and i healed it for both of us , even when it was his doing. He also constantly says that he doesn’t need friends and any friend who annoys him is dropped in an instant no matter who. Although he doesn’t say it’s me, i know he means me too in this warning line. Really makes me feel devalued.
He once also had an anger outburst at me. I was so upset. I tried to tell him I was hurt and the f’ship was in jeopardy. He simply refused to admit his part in the blow up.
He has improved over the years. But last week he made me feel down again by saying he was earning 54 grand in a job and he has an amazing job, when he knows I’ve just lost my job and I’m on a budget.
I sometimes think it’s me and I feel confused because he offers great advice and listens too. It’s so hard to pick out the negative traits among the good, but i feel them because i feel down when he does act that way.
The bottom line is he makes me feel down from time to time and think ‘wish I had all he had. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he got defensive. I have now decided to try, once again to distance myself and put up stronger boundaries when I do this I feel sad and think off all the good times and our history that only he knows about. It’s hard.
Anyway, I’ve tried drifting apart and not texting back so much. It’s so hard because i’m terrible at ‘breakups’ and everytime he texts, it hurts and i have to start again and think is this the right thing i’m doing?
Any advice on what direction to take or options would be great.
cheers
Dyson
P.S is there any good forums i can post this on for advice
Hey Dyson, thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story. It’s definitely not you! It seems as though he likes to put others down to build himself up! A clear sign of his own insecurities and immaturity.
I think in this kind of situation, as hard as it is, you need to ask yourself what you need out of your relationships. If he doesn’t provide those basic friendship exchanges, then phasing him out so to speak, is the right thing to do.
There’s nothing worse than feeling let down by someone you genuinely care about and like. But perhaps the negatives have begun to outweigh the positives in your relationship. Once that happens, it’s time to end the relationship. You deserve FAR better. Please know that when one door closes, another opens. The more clear you become on the kind of relationships you cherish in your life, the more you’ll start attracting them.
All the best x