Every now and then (on most days!) I ponder my life – where I’m at now and where I want to be. I do this quite often when I’m driving. There’s something about driving and the solitude that I find very calming and almost meditative. I think A LOT when I drive and also enjoy cranking Triple J and listening to some cool tunes at the same time…It’s not uncommon for me to get my boogie on in the car seat!
I wanted to write a heart-felt post today about my thoughts on why I think it is I am single in my thirties, but it hasn’t been easy. For some reason I’ve been putting it off…flicking over to facey, checking my emails, going to the kitchen…procrastinating basically. I knew I wanted to write straight from my heart – as I always do when writing about my life – but sometimes it’s difficult writing about the challenging stuff! You know, the parts of your life you wish were different and that you’re somewhat embarrassed by. But here it goes…
This Is Why I Am Single In My Thirties
To be completely truthful, I couldn’t tell you straight up the one defining reason I am still single in my thirties; but I can tell you it friggen sucks! What’s almost worse, is when people say to me “why are you still single” or “I don’t understand how you can be single” or “you need to stop being so fussy”! It’s like people think there must be something wrong with me since I’m not the mirror image of Bridget Jones (I promise I don’t have any weird idiosyncrasies or kinky fetishes!!!).
I guess it’s just one of those annoying timing things…
My eldest sister, Katherine, is one of those people who has ALWAYS been in a relationship since the age of 16. Some people just find themselves in relationships quite effortlessly, and others such as myself, well, don’t. Perhaps it’s because I’ve always been very independent and have never been one of those people who’s needed to be in a relationship in order to be happy. I could go as far as saying I do ‘being on my own’ pretty bloody well….but that doesn’t mean I like it or want to be good at it anymore. In fact, I also do ‘being with someone’ very well too. I just haven’t found the right man to do that with long-term! However, I have been lucky enough to experience deep love 3 times and thought I’d found ‘the one’ 10 years ago. You can read about that story here. It’s my most read post.
The biggest thing missing in my life, is my soul mate
I believe there’s probably a few reasons I’m single at the grand old age of 33 (I’ll be 34 June 21st 2013 – feel free to send me some flowers and love letters – the single blokes reading this ideally ;-)).
- I’m not 100% happy with where I’m at with my career…but it’s heading in the right direction! I put tremendous pressure on myself and have always been ambitious with BIG goals. I’ve calmed down a little bit – I no longer strive to win an Oscar award for best actress one day (not that there’s anything wrong with wanting that of course!) but I would like other meaningful accolades. I don’t really know why I haven’t made it (in my eyes) so to speak, but it bothers me. I do know once I’m a little more happy and settled with where my business is at, I will most likely attract the right man into my life.
- I have probably let great lovers and partners pass me by because they didn’t fit the mold. Yes, I guess I am fussy to a certain degree but I’m also realistic and know myself very well. I like to date a guy I’m instantly attracted to, whereas a girlfriend of mine always seems to date men she’s not overly attracted to but tries to let it grow. I tried the latter as well, and it ended very badly. What do you think? I believe chemistry is vital, especially in the early stages of a relationship. It’s obviously not the most important thing, and I certainly look for meaningful qualities that go far beyond aesthetics. I also understand that the way you see someone can change once you start to fall in love with who they are as a person.
- I keep attracting the wrong guy. And they don’t necessarily all end up being dickheads, they’re just not right for me or vice versa. I need to do some work on why this keeps happening.
- I don’t really date a lot. Again it probably comes down to fussyness, but I also find it painful going out with someone that I then have to reject because I don’t want to take it further. I dislike rejecting people as much as being rejected myself! That’s why I prefer to wait until I know I’m really attracted to someone. That being said, at the end of last year around Christmas I made the decision that I was going to have a really fun summer and go out on lots of dates…and I did and it was great! I need to put that vibe out again methinks!
- Presently speaking, it hasn’t been the greatest time to allow someone into my life. My sister’s accident has been life changing and difficult to deal with. I’ve also been back at home with my family to offer my support, which has also had its challenges. I think once I move into my own place in a couple of months, that will make a big difference. I can’t exactly bring a man home when my mother is sleeping in the bedroom directly above mine!
My Tips For Keeping Positive And Strong Whilst Looking For Love
- This is a hard one, but don’t take it personally. Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you’re not desirable or lovable. And if you’ve been rejected a few times; more often than not it’s got to do with his or her ‘stuff’ and not yours. Chin up!
- Keep busy. The weekends are really hard when you’re single, so it’s important that you plan your weekends ahead of time with your friends and family so you’re not at home on your own too much. And don’t keep your Saturday night available just in case someone asks you out on a date last minute…a man should lock in a time with you by Wednesday/Thursday at the very latest for a Saturday night date!
- Make a vision board. Cut out pictures of anything that makes you feel happy and positive. You can even do a vision board specifically for the kind of partner you desire (hmmm, I may have to do this myself!). Use images, words and drawings. Have fun with this! There’s no right or wrong.
- Seek some holistic counseling or life coaching to help you deal with your fears and insecurities around love & relationships. And I’m a big believer in doing loads of personal development work either on your own through eCourses and books or with a professional.
- Learn to be happy on your own – first. Don’t ever have the expectation that someone else will bring you happiness…a partner will most definitely add joy to your life, but if you’re not truly happy within yourself, it’ll resurface at some stage.
- Have fun! I’ve often made the mistake of going out with my girlfriends and focusing too much on what men are around, instead of being present with my friends and just having a laugh and a dance. This is waaay more attractive to the opposite sex.
Am I worried that I’m still single at my age? Nah, not really. On the odd occasion I have a moment of panic when I think about having children and not wanting to be an old mum, but it’s so common these days and I’ve certainly got good health on my side! It’s more that I feel like I’m missing out on something meaningful and special that so many people have that I don’t; and that’s what makes me sad and lonely. I feel left out. I feel like I have so much love to give as a partner and a mother, and I want that part of life for myself…why shouldn’t I? I should…and I will. When the time is right.
What are your thoughts on this subject? Do you struggle with being single? What do you do to stay in the dating scene and keep positive? Leave a comment below and please share this with anyone who might benefit from my story 🙂
Ah my dear, yes – this is certainly one topic that we have had many conversations about. I agree with you – I don’t think being single at any age means you are not wanted, un-lovable….or whatever term you want to use. I think it’s very much about timing……and let’s face it, we have to date a fair amount of ‘frogs’, ‘dickheads’, or ‘simply not quite right’ men, before we find someone that we click with instantly. I believe that chemistry is SO important. In fact, I went on a date last week and decided to turn down his offer of a second date, purely because I didn’t feel any ‘chemistry’ between us.
I too, wonder at times, whether I’m too crazy, too outgoing, too vibrant, too tall, too loud etc…..and that’s why I’m still single….but then I quickly slap some sense into myself and tell me ‘No Tal, the reason you are not in a relationship right now, is because you haven’t met anyone damn well GOOD ENOUGH for you!’.
Perhaps for all the single ladies out there – rather than be down about ‘being single in your 30’s’, or whatever age – think of it as a blessing – you are worth your weight in gold and quite frankly, a man needs to meet your expecations (as that’s what you deserve). When Mr Man finds you, and they will – he will be the luckiest man to have you in his life! For now, go out and enjoy yourself! xx
Great comment Tali xx.
Ladies, what exactly is chemistry ? doesn’t that depend on what you had for breakfast ??
More seriously, how about listing other things that are more reliable to build a long term relationship? You know, stuff that withstands time like a capacity for empathy, understanding, communication, sense of responsibility, self-criticism, self control, modesty, honesty, etc.
just saying.
a bloke.
Thanks for your comment O. I hear what your saying, and I did write that I look for qualities that go far beyond aesthetics, but being attracted to someone and yeah, having chemistry, is pretty important in my book.
Lovely article! As I am now in my mid thirties I tend to agree with the second post, I need a man with loyalty above all else, but I agree Talitha you should not settle for less than you deserve! I am shocked at the amount of men in their 30 who refuse to stick to one woman and want to keep their options open!
I’m shocked too Helen! I seriously don’t know how some men juggle women. And yes, loyalty is a biggie and something I look for too. Thanks for your comment x
Your most welcome hun x. I can only speak for myself, but I think especially after 30, that your ideal partner changes greatly and is not always what you would have envisioned 10 years ago. I dont have the time to give a,guy a go just because he is “hot” or “loaded”, im 36, he has to be interested in my interests that I hold dear and be loyal and caring, if he happens to be gifted with some looks or muscles then its just a lucky bonus :). What do you think? , Helen.
I think you’re right. Although I’ve never dated a guy purely based on looks or the size of his bank account…I’ve always looked for the ‘package’. But yes, it gets harder the older you get, and as our bloke above said, it’s the meaningful things that withstand a long-term relationship that really count in the end. Good luck Helen! 🙂 xx
Let’s first be honest, women don’t date ‘nice guys’. So those other qualities beyond aesthetics like empathy, honesty, sincerity really mean crap, and are more of a bonus to a woman.
Believe me I know. I was a ‘Nice Guy’ and not just a nice guy but the nicest guy ever! I’d open the door for you, do anything you ask, mostly want to do whatever “she” wanted. Be a hero, listen to everything she said, be “there” for her…all that got me was a divorce lol. Once I started focusing on myself more and put my goals and wants ahead of others, let myself be witty in public, developed an emotional backbone with women, and stand-up for myself whenever I feel someone is trying to take advantage of me…I started to win more. Once I realized you never put anyone on a pedestal and that women are just as flawed human beings, if not more, I all of a sudden didn’t have to work as hard to get women interested, and actually saying “no” to a woman, and not “fawning” over them at a party, or wherever, made them more interested in me. I call it Bravado…a man totally confident in himself, with one foot stepping into the “cocky zone”.
Basically what I’ve come to realize is that men want a “nice girl” so that is why sooooo many men fail with women over and over in their 20s (some even their 30s poor buggers). I’ve heard women describe a man being nice to them and showing them so much attention, and being super “nice”, and then asking “How would you react if some girl did that to you?” and every guy’s reply is the same “I’d ask her out.” The same goes for women. In their 20s 90 – 95% of all guys who have that ‘confidence’, ‘bravado’, ‘attitude’ that most of you are attracted to usually are very vain, and soulless people. Usually confident because they spend their life in a gym, just to sleep with you, and then your girlfriend next week ;).
But there is hope ladies, because some of us ‘nice guys’ mature with our handling of women, learn to treat you as just another person, as opposed to a ‘goddess’ that can do no wrong, and learn to assert ourselves when we are approaching 30, or shortly after. Those of us who make this maturation become ‘Good Guys’…and yes there is a difference. Name all the guys in your life that aren’t assholes or dickheads all the time…some are pushovers and super nice and sweet and gentle….and others are good men, with a good heart, solid head on their shoulders, but they won’t take crap.
Wow, what a great and insightful comment! Thanks Tony! I think you’ve really hit the nail on the head. I hope your comment gets a lot of views 🙂
Well said xxx