I read a fantastic post on Jess Ainscough’s blog yesterday! It’s called Who Are We Without Our Special Identities, and I love how open and authentic this post is. Jess certainly is honest about her insecurities around her identity, her need to be “special” and why self-love and self-acceptance is something she continually works on.
I really connected with this post! Perhaps it’s because 3 months ago I started to write a post with a similar theme that I never finished. I’ve kept the title of this post the same as my draft 3 months ago, to stay true to my initial feelings. I’ve been thinking about why I never completed it, and I believe it’s because I’m still confused about who I am…or perhaps who I want to be. I also think I was afraid of revealing some of my innermost private thoughts and being judged.
As I creep further into my 30s, I certainly have more self-confidence and feel more comfortable in my own shoes and I’m waaay more assertive than I used to be…running my own businesses has taught me that. However, like Jess and so many of us out there, I feel like I need to prove something to everyone and particularly myself. In my case, in order to ‘make it’ and be ‘successful’ means making lots of money.
I feel like the more and more I become comfortable with who I am, my two sides will slowly merge into one.
my two sides…figuring out who I am in this world
I don’t know about you, but I often feel torn. Torn between who I am on a soul level and how I am perceived at face value. Torn between the person I really want to be and the person some people perceive me as being (or is this only my perception?). And torn between what my heart says and what my mind and ego sometimes says.
You see there’s two sides to me. And I am a Gemini (the twins) so it makes sense if you believe in horoscopes ;-). On one side I am a hippie at heart. Very down to earth, organic, health conscious, friendly, spiritual, creative, sincere, loving and a wee bit shy and insecure. This side would love to live by the ocean in Margaret River, Coffs Harbour or Byron Bay. This is me at my soul level; the side of myself that is innate, natural, me.
The other side is a bit of a princess. She wants the materialistic things life has to offer. This side is about confidence, looking good, beautiful clothes/shoes/accessories, financial abundance, a flash car, beautiful properties, a pink diamond engagement ring 😉 and luxurious holidays in 5 star (minimum!) hotels & resorts. This side is the perfectionist – doing and saying the ‘right’ things, never losing face and hence my fear of being judged. Not surprisingly, this is exactly how my Mum felt when she was a young adult. We’ve actually just had a very interesting conversation about this!
the challenge is…
The challenge for me is overcoming this dichotomy between being a down to earth (health & wellness, organic, ‘all things natural’) person and a successful entrepreneur who strives towards being able to enjoy a luxurious lifestyle where money is no object.
When I was seeing an Emotional Freedom Technique practitioner last year, he was trying to make me understand (even though I knew this intellectually) that wealth, materialistic possessions, status etc, isn’t really what defines us as being ‘successful’. Having meaningful relationships, inner happiness, good health and finding your purpose in life that serves the greater good; is what success really is about.
This I found true yet confusing. From a spiritual point of view I 100% understand where he was coming from. But as an ambitious female entrepreneur, striving for a successful business and all the rewards it brings, this didn’t actually help. It just made me feel more divided!
What I am striving to integrate, is the belief that it is okay to have an abundance of career success and wealth whilst still being grounded, spiritual and staying true to my values and beliefs.
It’s okay to be both…what do you think? Would love your feedback on this one! Please leave a comment below 🙂